Today (my first day of school) was not good, and am looking for advice to make tomorrow better so I won’t be miserable all year. Nobody was rude or mean to me or anything, but I just don’t know how to make friends and no one wants to talk with me.
I am in 9th grade (freshman year of high school) at a really small high school. I have super bad social anxiety and am terrible in social situations and cant hold a worthwhile conversation (in my opinion).
So today, my first period was just me and two boys and no one said a word unless it was to the teacher but it seems like the class will be fun.
Second period had the same two boys and one girl, we were separated doing an experiment all day so no one really spoke to each other, but the class seems like it will be interesting.
Third period there were the same two boys as well as two other girls, they both were nice but didn’t want to talk to me, and it was obvious, but the class seems like it will be hard but fun.
Next was lunch and no one talked to me even after I tried to start conversation, but these two 10th graders were SUPER nice and we hung out all lunch period, not sure if that was just because the pitied that no one spoke with me or what.
After that was study hall, and me and the same 10th graders played a board game and it was fun but still no one in my grade wanted to talk to me.
Fourth (or sixth however you want to look at it) period had three girls and still the two same boys, we did not have an opportunity to talk, the math is exactly what I did last year witch is disappointing but whatever.
I absolutely love how positive your post here is! Everyone else has chimed in with great ideas, I especially love the small challenges suggestion. I just want to contribute that from my experience, the two 10th graders who hung out with you during lunch and study hall were not doing it because they pitied you. They did it because you seemed friendly and approachable. Everyone in high school, and I mean EVERYONE, is wishing people would be more friendly and approachable to them. Everyone is feeling insecure about themselves. It blew my mind figuring this all out when I graduated, but at least it saved me a lot of worry after that point.
You had a fantastic first day, you made some great beginning steps, and you should definitely sit by those tenth graders tomorrow and keep that friendship going. Hopefully you’ll find other ninth graders eventually who are willing to open up to you, but even if you don’t, you’ll have those tenth graders around, and next year you can reach out to the new freshmen and make them feel more welcome.
I’m just… impressed.
Take something like mints or gum that you can offer to the two boys to break the ice. Then ask them what they thought of the first day.
There’s something called social training and social therapy that could be really helpful if making friends is a common problem. I’m not an expert in this area, but here are some tips:
1- give yourself small, incremental challenges you can make social interaction a game. The first day you might make a goal to say hi to someone first. The second day you can make a goal to say hi first twice, etc. and here are ideas for your challenges.
2- notice something about someone and comment on it, ideally a complement . Like if one of the kids has a Matt and Kim tshirt say, “oh, I love that band” (as you should), “did you get to hear them live?” Or if they did something cool with their nails, tell them you admire it
3- build on common ground This is where you are lucky to be in school! You have the same teacher, homework, even sometimes lunch. Starting with something like “What did you think of that homework?”
But most importantly, you can work on your mindset. There can be a lot of pressure, especially for Freshmen that high school is The Best Time of your Life and My Best Friends Ever. Instead of worrying about having a lot of friends or whether someone really wants to talk with you or is just being polite, try to live in the moment and really just enjoy being with people. The tenth graders sound great and just becoming friends with them would be amazing.
This is just the first day. It’s too bad we can’t be like preschoolers and just say “will you be my friend?” But as you sincerely take an interest in other people, you will be amazed by them and yourself.
If there are so few kids at the school, I wouldn’t worry too much. Especially about what grade your friends are in. In five years, no one will ever ask how old you are again (unless they’re carding you for liquor).
If your school has extracurricular activities, join as much as you can. Don’t try too hard. Just be yourself.
Initiating conversation can suck, especially when you have a hard time doing it.
I think it is best to realize and internalize the fact that most people are fine and likely thinking the same as you. Very few people are going to get butthurt if you say hi and introduce yourself.
Show up to class and sit in the middle or sit wherever you are assigned. If you are first then ask everyone that sits near you what their names are and some question about themselves or the school year. If you are not first then sit and introduce yourself anyway.l and do the same.
As a teacher, I would give space for all students to meet each other. Then quiz them on it. I did this so they’d have incentive to learn about each other and so they’d have an easy A in the gradebook. A lot of people are shy or nervous so getting past that initial meet is the hardest part.
Sit down, “hi, my name is ____. What’s your name? Nice. What other classes are you taking? Do you know anything about this teacher? How are you feeling about being back at school?”
If you are eager for people to talk to you, give them a reason. Learn a basic card trick. Wear your favorite bands tshirt. Bring extra snack to share. People are generally nice, they need a reason to break the ice. Don’t give up but let people naturally warm up to you.
You’re honestly off to a great start. I know it’s stressful but you are putting in effort and I think it will pay off. It’s ok to make friends in other grades — I’d rather hang out with people who share my interests than my age, you know?
Keep putting yourself out there. Some interactions will be awkward, and that’s okay. I have good luck just admitting that I am socially anxious and awkward, and usually when I say that someone else in the conversation will say oh my gosh me too. And we just go from there.
First few weeks will be awkward for everyone so try not to worry too much. Your classmates may be feeling something similar but you haven’t noticed. Considering your class sizes are so small chances are you will get to know them all pretty well soon enough and will likely be friends by the end of the year.
A great way to make friends is by adopting a positive attitude and friendly disposition. Try to say hi to your classmates, maybe introduce yourself if you haven’t already and ask them a bit about themselves. People enjoy spending time someone who can put them in a good mood and those are easy to talk. You definitely don’t have to fake being happy right now because it’s always kinda scary when you’re first meeting new people (even adults feel this way when they start a job). So just take your time and remain optimistic that eventually it will be easier to relax and open up.
I would also definitely suggest getting involved in sports or a club at your school. Even if you’re not very good at any particular sport you can always learn to get better and it’s a great way to stay active and make friends from other grades. Even if they don’t have any clubs that you’re particularly interested in try something random theater or debate or improv- you may end up loving it.
I think you are doing good so far actually. Social skill is like any other skills, if you will keep practicing you will get better and better in it. Good luck!